Tussle Association: Barbarian Off!
RIP OUT YOUR SHIRTS and put on your fur underwear people, we are going barbarian tonight! They are big. They are mean, they are BARBARIANS! But there can only be ONE king of Barbariandom. So, in proper Barbarian fashion, we will skip the big fancy words and jump RIGHT to it! Our contestants will be ranked based upon:
A) Kill Count.
C) Barbarianbility (Shut up its a word).
Lets DO THIS.
The world was not ready for a reboot of Conan, but the world got it nonetheless. Following his success as Khal Drogo, actor Jason Momoa embodied the large muscled barbarian in an attempt to revive the Sword And Sorcery Genre. The attempt failed, but the movie, as far as those types of movies go, is a very very respectable one. It has action, cheesy lines, fun costumes and off course, it has CONAN! The one and only! But can Jason Momoa's interpretation of the famous Barbarian survive the Barbarian Ring Of Tussle...stuff?
A) Kill Count 8/10. The movie stays true to its nature as a Conan film. Sure, there is a mandatory sex scene for the more lust driven barbarians of the crowd, but everything else, is revolving around MURDER, and MAYHEM, and KILLING EVIL DUDES! And that is perfectly fine with me.
B) Plot: 4/10. When I watch a movie or plot about a Barbarian, I do not care, or wish of it to be anything more than an excuse to murder people. Yet, Conan seems to try to put some actual substance and a semblance of plot in the film. But, it fails spectacularly. Its attempted Plot falls flat on its face, often feeling as if "trying too hard", while at the same time, giving us nothing to care about and seems as mere filler between the action sequences. Me is barbarian with stronk brain muscle, and me wants more from plot.
C) Barbarianbility: 10/10. Strong buff dude, running around half naked, screaming with the top of his lungs, killing people and laying wenches. Nuff said.
D) Muscles: 8/10. Jason Momoa is a buff guy, but at the same time, he is not that -freakishly- large, compared with them old school actors. The fact, however, is that he seems to be more agile, more well trained and with a more, robust and well rounded body building regiment. And that is his downfall, we want MASSELS BIG MACHO STUFF! and he just is not stupid muscular.
Famous due to his appearance in Game Of Thrones, and kind of kickstarting Jason Momoa's career, Khal Drogo was famous for his stoic and menacing appearance, and the impact he had on a young Khaleesi. Leader of the most ferocious band of warriors in Westeros (which is not saying much considering the last season), Khal Drogo was buff, macho, murderous and strong. But, is the leader of the Dothraki capable of standing on his own, or separating him from the Mother Of Dragons and his Dothraki will be his undoing?
A) Kill Count: 2/10. As a leader, he mostly sends his warbands to murder people. Sure, he is a great killer, and bitchslapped that annoying Targaryen dickweed with melted gold, but still. He is not exactly going around murdering everything. Sorry Khal.
B) Plot: 7/10. Khal Drogo's story is interesting, sad and ties into the entire Game Of Thrones mythos. That said however, Khal Drogo's story is more of "Khaleesi's Early Days" and less "Khal Drogo's Story". So we will have to remove three points for that.
C) Barbarianbility: 9/10. Brutish, violent, stoic. He may not be your average murder hobo walking around murdering things, instead he is a more refined version of a barbarian. The kind that keeps the rest of the murder hobo's in line and sends them in semi-organized murder parties. That makes him a wise barbarian but a barbarian nonetheless.
D) Muscles: 9/10. Look at the pictures. THE MACHO MASSLES ARE REAL! Barbarian seal of approval: earned.
And The Winner Is:
MOTHAFUCKIN KING CONAN SON!
He is big. He is bad. He has earned his way via murdering everything in his path, he has a simple but great story, he has aged and like proper fine wine, he has become more refined. Here he is: The Original Conan, our one and only Arnold. The man who put Barba into Barbarian (bad pun for you Greek readers, sue me).
With Schwarzenegger promising a third Conan movie, the hype is real, the expectations high, and the sweaty, stinky, barbarian instincts are once more being awoken from their slumber.